"Not many things can be brighter and more colorful than a bit of optimism, hope and love, in a seemingly bleak and gray world." - The Optimistic Eccentric
1. Accept
Accept how things truly are. Look within, dissect the situation, and weigh the situation to grasp how you truly feel or think about it. Take ownership for what has happened to you or to others, and do not underestimate what, who and how you will turn out to be in future.
In the initial phase, it is understandable for you to be in a state of denial, and start throwing labels and responsibilities onto anyone or anything (other than you) connected to the incident that placed you into this dark place.
You might also feel extremely negatively (angry, distraught, distressed) due to the cause(s) of these implications because you're hypersensitive to how it affects you, and people around you, especially if you highly value certain connections, which are extremely rare and meaningful in your lifetime.
However, we need to understand the implications we will cause if we continue to go astray from where and how we're supposed to live our life for too long. What are we inflicting onto ourselves, and those who truly care about us? Does it make sense for us to stay absorbed in this situation, and overlook the potential of the things you could do and the life you could have had? Is it necessary, and why do we have to bear the weight of certain actions or expressions, for certain periods of our lives?
Harshly put (I do apologise), it would seem rather immature, irrational and unfair, for us and those who truly care about us, to continue residing, for a long term, in a place where we fail to recognize, and exercise, our own unalienable, basic rights to live as we wish, without a certain degree of remorse or shame, just as how those who caused the incident probably have lived as you "wallowed" in your suffering.
In my opinion, true revenge is not to perform something against our ethics, or to take the matter against the causes of our suffering into our own hands (for we would then be no different than they are, would we?), but rather to live more positively, powerfully, freely, with a somewhat childlike yet mature disposition, without much reason or explanation to express any level of shame or remorse for who you truly are and how you came to be.
2. Internalization
This phase is similar to the Accept phase, except that it can be a much more deeper and long-term process that can help you to come to terms with what has happened, tide over it and return to a more balanced, neutral state (not that much on the surface level).
After recognizing the issue for what it is and how it has turned out in the end, further bond with the circumstances, thoughts and emotions, and give yourself ample time to digest, process and understand them at a comfortable pace and space. If you would like, find someone open-minded, comforting and reliable to help you tide over this process. Some activities of your interest can also help you achieve a similar (and quite therapeutic) effect.
Life is not, and will never be, smooth-sailing, and fate brings us to undergo certain experiences and to cross paths with all kinds of people at various periods of our lives. Thus, don't take upon everything (which might not really be yours to bear) on your own for too long. We need to look forward, move on and keep growing into better versions of ourselves.
3. Self-discovery
Once you reached to a neutral, balanced state, there comes a point when you feel completely (or almost) emotionless, numb and tired of trying to chase after a meaning in everything.
While piecing the puzzle pieces together, you will slowly gain consciousness, clarity and perception. You will come to discover who you truly are, what you truly like, how your past decisions had affected you (and those around you), some motivation to drive yourself into a new direction, and some idea on what your future plans, or your next steps, might be. Just like how The Ancient One opens the third eye for Doctor Strange when he arrived at the monastery in Kathmandu.
Other than that, as the common denominator of all of your experiences and relationships so far, you will also come to learn what attracts certain influences and experiences, and repels certain influences and experiences, to reach or come to a certain conclusion, for you. You will start to be at peace and at terms with things, often feeling calm and neutral at who and what comes and goes.
4.Letting Go (Finally, Completely)
I admit that it's hard, unless you are great at managing your thoughts and emotion; and have the capability, to visualize, imagine and store all of the information somewhere in the recesses of your mind, deep enough for you not to remember it as vividly as you progressed deeper into this process, and into life.
From time to time, you may still harbor negative feelings or impressions when you come across certain influences that remind you of a certain experience or individual. Some people can still find it hard to completely let go and forgive what happened even till death, even though they may have (somewhat) come to terms with it and continued living their lives.
Which is why...this is an optional (and most difficult), phase that not all people are willing and capable of attaining in their lifetime. Boss level, you may say. We are beings with our own emotions and thoughts, so we are not necessarily always compassionate and forgiving when a wrong has been done upon us. We can bear grudges, resent, be ashamed, wallow in guilt and sorrow, for as long as we wish. No one can take control over, or manipulate, these decisions, than us.
However, with a great amount of willpower and mind power, it is still relatively possible. You can forget everything, press restart and transform into an entirely different person in time (which i'm sorry to surprise you if I sound weird for saying so, but I did. In fact, 3 times now. A bit like Ian Mckellen, when he's immersed in acting respective roles).
It was hard and painful at first. There were moments when I thought, and believed, that I was broken, and that I failed myself (and some that I cared about) to a stupendously extraordinary degree. I wallowed in the dark for a while, and the light seemed frail and dim, far from where I could possibly reach.
But, I understood life for how it can be and knew my limits and capabilities. Miraculously, never once had I lost my faith in all of that. So, after reflecting upon my experiences (you may listen to "Reflection" from Disney's Mulan) and going through this process, I came to a realization, and eventually broke the toxic, seemingly infinite cycle (for the sake of those I love, and ultimately myself).
I realized that it's not necessarily the people or experiences who caused you harm that broke you...but yourself.
So, forgive...only when and if you can. Life is too short for chasing what we can't realistically attain, or doesn't enrich your being (in general). Thanks to these individuals and experiences, you gained new stories, lessons, and therefore, lifelong insights. It hurts a lot in the process, but please, do trust the process, and trust yourself for what you can do. We will get by, towards a definite point, in time.
These lessons that you learn can further drive you to prevent similar situations from occurring again in future. This might include self-improvement, whereby you find out areas that you wish to improve, visualize yourself into becoming who you wish to be, and start planning and acting on small, sustainable actions that will help you achieve your goal and become who you want to be.
5. Renewal
Once you've figured things and gotten used to this way of living and seeing things, you need to upgrade things in your life, yourself (perhaps your career, studies and relationships, now that your inner state is more beautiful), or start to pursue a form of belief or ideal that you have. In other words, putting your plans into action.
For example, you can become someone who "Glo-ed Up" and returned to "slay", someone who practiced more ethical, flawless and logical way of flaunting who you came to be (like what some well-known American rom-coms, dramas and TV shows have been implying).
Or someone who established achievements in the industry, society or neighborhood, like volunteering, humanitarianism, altruism, writing articles and papers for acquiring knowledge, groundbreaking medical research, contributing to your country's socioeconomic development...or simply being a dedicated neighbor, friend, partner, colleague and relative the clan ever has.
Living simply as you...is also not a bad idea. So, I guess I gave you some suggestions as a head-start for you to imagine that as your end goal.
“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” ―F. Scott Fitzgerald,The Great Gatsby
With every lesson, the cycle repeats itself all over again, and it gets better with time and experience. More stories to listen, to absorb and to tell, to our peers, our children in future, and for those in need. Together, we lead better lives than what we may perceive we might have led before we embarked on our journey.
Kudos to all in their journey of renewal and growth, especially in this mysterious yet strangely abundant year of 2020.
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